Fasting

Fasting                 6/30/20

Spiritual, with prayer. Meditation & free flowing thoughts. Yoga and breathing.

What should have been common sense or second nature was a turning point. Being raised in a mostly Christ centered household, I know that God wants us to go to Him on our knees seeking His wisdom and peace for His will to be at work in our lives. Easier said than done, especially when you’re in a deep dark state of self-deprecation and don’t know you are.

Life is a big stress ball when you’re raising small humans and for whatever reason I had found myself in a state of desperate hopelessness, overwhelmed by even the tiniest of things, feeling that life is something that is being done to me, not something that I am doing. I needed to be a part of the bigger motivation, a bigger reason to try to pull myself out of a pit. So, I decided go to God in fasting and prayer.

A spiritual fast to seek out the answers, a long term, prayer oriented fast to learn peace and contentment. A singular focus on One true God and removal of every deterrent that would distract me from my conversations with Him. What resulted was the start of a lifetime of transformation.

In the beginning, I didn’t know what to expect or how my body would respond. I didn’t care. I just knew I needed to do it. I had prayed and opened my mind and spirit to receive God’s direction before, but this was to be more focused and directed. There was an urgent need to fast and I knew that He would help me if I could just commit to it. This was going to work. Knowing it “wouldn’t be easy” was obvious but many consequences of my sacrifices actually manifested as benefits and true gifts that could have only come from the one true God.

Jesus tells us to not show that you’re fasting and so for a week, I kept it private. I wore no jewelry and fussed less over my physical appearance. Other than minimal makeup, my freshly, daily showered face wore only a smile and my heart was set on the elements of peace, love, joy, and grace for everyone, especially myself. Being intentional about these things was enough to stay focused and not give into temptations. Surprisingly, it was actually so easy! I drank only water. I ate only tiny bites just so that I didn’t get fired from my job. No one could really tell-life is so busy to look at how much food someone eats. I kept it very private. This was between me and God. It was only when my husband approached me with concern in his eyes that I explained my cause and what I was wanting to achieve. A deeper closeness with the one true God so that I can live a more fulfilling life.

Recentering myself and re-grounding on life’s priorities, I asked myself “What are your values?” “How do you want to be seen and loved?” and “How do you wish to show love for others?”. I realized that I’d compromised my own opinions on what I valued the most such as religion, politics, historical events and what all of that meant to me deep down. I just ignored and disregarded my point of view because of a lack of self-esteem causing me to think that my own opinion didn’t matter. No one cared or I was just too “much” for others. Forgetting even where I stood on many concepts and subjects, I was discrediting myself as a person. .

In doing this, I didn’t realize that I was allowing others to do the same to me. So nothing that I truly felt or believed even mattered to myself anymore. Isolating and identifying my values allowed me to take a surgical approach to the specific areas of conflict and disagreement which were most present in my life. I had for so long ingored these areas out of fear of confrontation. Identifying that these compromised values were impacting my own integrity allowed me to truly see where I had put my spiritual convictions in the back seat. I came to realize that I’m not even the one driving my own life anymore. I prayed every day, throughout the day, often asking God to remind me of my values to keep them first and foremost in my mind, before I come up with any approach to difficult situations.

God revealed Himself to me in so many ways during my spiritual fast, in illustrating the criticality of who I am and what I truly bring to this world. He revealed to me what my spiritual gifts are, and how best to use them. I saw myself with a new perspective: His perspective. I saw myself for who he created me as: a tender hearted and instrospective human being with only the best intentions for others. And I like this person. Without distractions and temptations in the way, the fog lifted and I was able to finally see that I’m doing a good job as a mom. I was able to complement myself again, instead of berate myself for not fitting into some idealized version of what I thought I needed to be. I realized what my true spiritual gifts are and came to the conclusion that these gifts needed to be shared and used for God’s glory.

But a spiritual fast can’t last forever. Soon it became time to reintroduce sustenance and activity back into my life (in as normal a way possible in the year 2020). Coming out of the fast, I had a newfound control on my willpower – one that set me free with confidence. I knew that I still had a long way to go in order to find my way back to me and my values. But at least I knew where to start: with my convictions and my values.

The total fast lasted somewhere around 2 weeks, with progressive reintroduction to the later 3-4 days of the second week. The fasting worked well and served it’s purpose for that time but it’s neither healthy nor God’s intention for us to be in a perpetual state of anything, especially starvation. We still need to take independent action to elevate to that next level. So, when the time is right again, I’ll call on His strength plus a little of my own.